


flat sound

by antokilljoy



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bathtub, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, First fanfic ever, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post 3x10, breaking up attempt, brief mentions of sex, but we all know how those go, can u believe, don't we, even thinks hes not good enough, im not even entirely sure about the last tag but better be safe than sorry, isak is here and queer to prove him otherwise, sligtly ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-11 22:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10475829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antokilljoy/pseuds/antokilljoy
Summary: Even has cracks. Isak is there to fill them with gold.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! It's literally 3 am and I have school tomorrow, but! This is literally my first fanfic ever, woho, thank you skam for that. I actually had a dream about something like this happening, so here's the result.  
> I only mentioned Even's depressive episodes as they are the only thing I could write about without making anything up (I basically followed what it generally is like for me to deal with depression, even though I only mentioned it briefly). I hope that ended up well.  
> I put 'ooc' in the tags because I often see people complaining about ooc characters on other user's fics and even though I don't think they're actually that ooc, its better to be safe than sorry, ammirite.  
> English is not my first language and I do not have a beta reader, so I already apologize for any eventual mistakes and typos. I really hope you'll like it :)

_I’m a house with no windows,_  
You’re the flowers on the front porch  
And I can’t stop  
I can’t stop  
I can’t stop

_(you were a home I wanted to grow up in, flatsound)_

_“I don’t want you to stay with me just because I’m the first.” He began, feigning a certainty he was not sure he actually had. Isak didn't mutter a single word._  
“You should see other people” –it’s better to get this done soon, to rip the bandage abruptly even if the skin is still sore, so he kept going, not looking at him in the eye, fearing the reaction he might find there.  
“And I hope, afterwards, you’ll decide to come back to me” A pause. He knows he’ll just end up tumbling if he indulges in those, but he can’t just--  
“ I’ll wait. For as long as it takes” he felt like crying but he had promised himself he wouldn’t, so he just let all the unspilt tears bundle into a rock in his throat that makes it almost inhumane for him to deliver his last words.  
“ And maybe…someone else…” He felt himself faltering at the thought. He hoped it didn’t show. “But you need to know… I need you to know” That’s it. It’s done. Probably the only selfless thing he’s done in months.  
He should have been proud, and yet he could only feel like his joints were about to burst from the tension he had put in his muscles.  
  
When he was younger he used to think of these time spans as something akin to that health-limbo you get in after catching a bad fever. When you don’t feel too hot anymore and your mom even allows you out of the bed for a while but you feel a constant dizzying feeling whenever you move. When you know that the worst has passed but you could still fall back into it again.  
His parents didn’t want him to think of his disorder as a physical illness but he couldn’t help it. It was just as debilitating, so what’s the point in trying to keep a sort of moral correctness when it proved itself to be useless?  
  
That’s where he was then, mentally. The depressive episode hadn’t been too bad on the outside, compared to some of his previous ones, mamma and pappa had probably started to think that he was just a little short of getting out of it, and that’s why they had decided to leave for the weekend. Normally, he probably would have known that Isak would have never thought of it as such, but his boyfriend’s presence almost felt like one of a babysitter, called by the thoughtful Bech Naesheims in order to watch over their son while they were away.  
He would have known that Isak would have never done something like that, just like he himself had said to his mother a few months into their relationship, during his first meeting with Even’s parents.  
  
 ( _“I’m sorry miss and mister Naesheim, but --I’m not going to report Even’s every move to you. I don’t know how Sonja even did that, but—I’m sorry if that disappoints you, but-- he’s the only one who can feel what he feels” a small, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it smile tugging at his lips, “and I really don’t think that talking behind his back is gonna help the cause”. His mother changed the topic and got ready to say her goodbyes. Even, despite his eavesdropping, was still, supposedly, looking for his coat, and yet he had never before felt such an overpowering need to take his boyfriend out of the kitchen, pin him to the wall and take him right there.)_  
  
And yet there he was, overcome by those thought that he had managed to keep a hold of during his episode but which had somehow managed to break free nonetheless, unexpectedly.  
They had the house to themselves for two days. They literally could have started fucking two hours ago, right when Isak had arrived –that’s what normal teenagers would have done, anyway.  
But here’s the thing: Even wasn’t a teenager anymore, and his brain was just a useless bundle of rotting cells. That, obviously, meant that he had to ruin the only good thing –person- that had ever happened in his life in order to give him the freedom he had denied him from the moment he had been selfish enough to keep Isak for himself despite… that. Pathetic. That’s what he was. So he had to let his angel out.  
  
Isak hadn’t said a single word. The two previous hours had passed, with Even pretending to be doing his homework and him laying on his bed, apparently content in simply watching him and listening to the music playing softly from his phone. He knew Even, he had definitely felt that something was wrong, and yet he hadn’t pushed, waiting for him to play the first move. He probably wasn’t expecting that, though.  
  
He was still silent, even after hearing Even’s last words. The latter finally mustered up the courage to look at him in the eyes and found his boyfriend already staring at him, probably thinking about what would come next and how he could reply to that.  
Even couldn’t allow it to be a failure, just like that time in Isak’s bed when he had first witnessed one of his depressive episodes, so he unfolded the jolly card. He didn’t want to use it, but he _knew_ how stubborn Isak got, so there was literally no other way out. That’s what he told himself.  
  
_“Your first approach to all this, to relatioships, was… unfortunate. This doesn’t mean that you can’t get out of it and experience something better. I don’t want us to break up—god. I don’t. But I just can’t do this to you. I’m just gonna end up being like your mother”._ Here it was. His mother. He had said it.  
  
He finally heard a sound coming from Isak: his slow exhale, accompanied by him slightly turning his head to the left while closing his eyes. He wasn’t angry. He just looked sad. Even hated it, but he had to do it. Better the devil you know than the one you don’t, and boy, was he scared of the ugliest part of him that Isak had yet to discover and would eventually lead Isak to leave on his own accord.  
  
He was expecting something –just like the last time. He was ready, he had already pictured hundreds of different scenarios—and yet the boy in front of him did literally nothing. Just whispered an helpless _what the fuck, Even_ and left the room, closing the door with him without slamming it.  
  
Even waited. It felt like the hollow feeling in his chest only got bigger and bigger. It felt like there were small bubbles flowing in his veins. That wasn’t biologically possible. And yet it felt so real. It felt like he was about to die. Not dying, just _about to die –he had been there, he knew the difference._ The helplessness, the heavy limbs, the numbness. Good.  
  
No sound came from the front door. He had supposed that Isak would just leave, and yet he still had to be in the house, unless he had decided to jump off the window. Images of Isak actually doing that and ending up flying just to come back into the house, pick Even up superman-style and get them on a far away planet started to fill his brain. It was silly. Why was he thinking that? His mind surely managed to entertain him.

A few minutes had passed. He went for the door, opening it. On the other side of the hallway was Isak himself, head leaning on the wall, eyes opening when he heard the soft squeaking.  
That wasn’t supposed to happen; everything had been fine, he had managed to make him walk out of the door, he was supposed to _leave._  
He probably wanted to say goodbye, despite his first impulse to just get the fuck out of that nuthouse. That was definitely an Isak thing to do. He had to say goodbye, after not getting the chance to do so with so many people in his life.  
Once again—better to get this done quickly, he thought. So, hoping to prompt a sudden reaction in him “I think I’m going to take a shower” he murmured, making for the bathroom. Crazy, pathetic and a coward: he couldn’t even manage to look at him in the eye for what would have probably been the last time. He deserved every bad thing that had ever happened to him.  
  
“Alright, I’m coming”  
  
Even didn’t even have the time to coherently to think ‘what the fuck’ before Isak was outpacing him, turning the light on in the small room.  
  
He had already seen it during his first time visiting, when Even had told him that he had to find his ID card, and many other times after that, so it came as no surprise the sureness that he showed moving around.  
What actually surprised Even was seeing him turning the handles to the faucet of the bathtub.  
  
That had been one of the things from Even’s house that had always fascinated him the most. It was not _‘a poor excuse of a bathtub like the one we have at kollektivet, Even’,_ way too narrow and small to comfortably bathe in it if you were _a small gay giant like Isak_ (Eskild’s word, not his), apart from showering with another person -and god, had they done that- but a rather big, oval one, _‘like the one you see in those 90’s american movies about the fulfilling the american dream’ (‘what would you know about that kind of films, huh?’ he had teased. ‘Shut up, asshole’ Isak had answered on his lips, kissing him)_. However, they had never actually used it because Isak was still too freaked out by the idea of having sex at Even’s house, even though, the few times they had actually done it, it had been a muffled but definitely memorable, and also Even had basically moved into Isak’s house already, so it wasn’t often that they actually found themselves in the Naesheim household).  
  
Up until then, apparently.  
  
“What are you doing?” Even asked, trying to steady his breath –he knew how stupid he sounded, and yet he couldn't help it because just _what?!_  
“You want to take a shower. I want to stay with you. Might as well do it like this”.  
  
He felt his lungs deflating. _This is not what I had planned_. He could almost hear Tyler Joseph’s voice saying those exact same words in loop in that song they had spent an entire day listening to non-stop a few weeks prior. There were tears in his eyes that threatened to come out.  
Had that been his goal all along? Getting Isak to stay with him, once again? Getting himself to feel, even for a small, fleeting moment, like he was worth something? Like Isak would never let go, despite Even’s attempts in trying to save him by doing so?  
He didn’t even have time to actually get deeper into these thoughts because he saw Isak starting to undress.  
There was nothing inherently sexual to that action and Even really, really didn’t think he would have been able to get aroused right then, but the sight managed to leave him breathless.  
  
He knew every curve of that  body, had spent countless hours worshipping every square centimeter of it, had kissed and mapped every beauty mark on it. He probably would have been able to map every single detail, if someone asked.  
And yet every time felt like the first time watching him, the first time watching that body unfurl from its human form and blossom into Isak’s truest essence, free from his insecurities and shyness, which he had used for so many years as an armor and that he was just starting to get rid of.  
  
After taking off his t-shirt, with hiss golden locks disheveled, he turned on his feet to look at Even, raising an eyebrow, prompting him to do the same.  
  
He probably had to be quite a sight to anyone witnessing the scene: a two meters long young adult, with slightly hunched shoulders, mouth slightly ajar and knit eyebrows, unbelieving of what was happening.  
And yet the only emotions that could be read in Isak’s eyes was the utmost affection, the utmost love.  
  
That was the thing about Isak: he never pitied him.  
Pity wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, Even himself had used it sometimes in order to get out of awkward situations ( _‘poor Even, with the… thing he has’_ ) and many people often pitied him despite having his best intentions at heart, but he had never seen it in Isak.  
He wasn’t like Sonja, who built an armor around herself and generally ended up looking at him with determination, as if he was a daunting but manageable task to accomplish.  
He literally didn’t falter one slight bit from his usual attitude –sometimes he had to be determined too, obviously, and, with time, Even feared he would probably end up just like Sonja.But until then, with Isak, Even was just Even: not a burden, not the bipolar kid, not a task to be fulfilled.

Just Even.  
  
He had once read that there used to be a Japanese tradition where, after a vase cracked, its cracks weren’t fixed with the traditional methods but filled with gold. That obviously made them more visible, but was it actually relevant, all things considered?  
Even didn’t want to be saved. He knew he couldn’t be, and had hated everyone who had tried to do that.  
Isak would have been no exception, if he had ever tried to.  
But God, watching that boy and feeling like the cracks in his own soul weren’t something to be mended but rather golden scars that he no longer needed to be ashamed of had to be one of the most liberating things in the world.  
  
Almost in a trance, Even started to undress himself as well. He had just got to his belt when he noticed Isak surging towards the faucet and stopping the stream of water, which had filled a half of the bathtub.  
Without looking back, the boy dipped a naked foot in it, testing the temperature, and then started to get himself in completely.  
  
“How are we going to fit in that together?” Even heard himself saying, voicing a thought that he had meant to be kept private, still unsure of the weird not-talking limbo he had put them in.  
“I have thought of this before. I think it’s big enough for both of us, despite our heights”  
“I think I am the only problem here” he humored, “you’re not _that_ tall”  
“Even, I’m literally 182cm”  
“See? So tiny. How were you even able to get into the tub without a scale” he deadpanned.  
Isak laughed. That got rid of any left trace of tension within Even.  
Within two seconds flat, he realized that there was no way for him to survive without getting to hear that sound every day for the rest of his life.  
He had thought that he could make it without Isak, for his sake, but as the minutes went by, he felt himself sicken at the mere thought. Why had he said those things? How could he ever even think something like that? What the fuck?  
  
“Come here, before it gets cold” Isak interrupted his train of thoughts, patting the water and making a funny sound in doing so while opening his legs, making space for him.  
  
Incredibly enough, Even actually managed to get in, steadying himself by putting a hand on the wall which was now to his right. He then turned his back to Isak and ever so slowly started to lower himself completely into the water, trying not to kill them both during the action.  
  
Finally, he found himself between Isak’s thighs, which was definitely unusual, with his knees bent towards his chest, which made it possible for him to sway forward a little with the lower part of his body and torso, laying his head on the other boy’s shoulder.  
  
This prompted isak into moving his arms and wrapping them around Even, engulfing him from his neck and putting his hands onto Even’s pectorals.  
  
Judging from the movements he could feel against his back, he lowered them both by resting his head on the wall behind them.  
  
Then there was silence, interrupted by the occasional droplet falling from the faucet or a particularly heavy breath exhaled by one of them.  
Isak never let go of him, even though his legs were definitely squished uncomfortably against the sides of the tub –which was large, but not _that_ large.  


Even could probably count to number of phrases that Isak had said in the previous hals hour on one hand, which was definitely weird, in a way that made his heart clench. He only did that when he was extremely tired, or extremely sad, or both, and thinking that _he_ was the one who had caused his pain made him dizzy with guilt.  
  
He had just begun losing himself in the stream of self hatred when he heard Isak muttering something. It was way too soft for it to be intended for Even, but he nonetheless tried to make out the words:

_ “I’ll sleep inside of your chest, and fight those thoughts in your head. Some say we should take a rest, I think I’d rather be dead” _

Even felt himself choking. Isak never actually sang –he rapped indeed, more or less seriously, but he never, ever went beyond that, complaining about being too off-key for that. Even now he wasn’t actually singing, it was more like spoken poetry with a slight tune to it, and even though he didn’t recognize the author of the song, the words made him finally, finally give up, making him feeling the first tear rolling down his cheek.

Isak was either expecting it, or he was just that great despite Even not having moved or made a sound within his hold, because he embraced him even tighter, moving his right hand to cup his lover’s jaw gently.

  
“Oh my God, Isak, I’m so sorry” he trembled, covering his lover’s hand with one of his own in an attempt to contain himself. He didn’t like this, not being able to look at Isak in the eye while saying that, but the position somehow managed to make it even more intimate, to a level that went beyond their mere lack of clothing.  
He was completely in Isak’s hands, he couldn’t try and take a hold of his emotions in order to tone them down before showing them, in an attempt to not scare his lover away because of their intensity. He generally could put a mask on his face and hide most of what he was feeling, but right now Isak was perfectly able to feel every jolt and tremor in his body, and that made him close the distance between them, completely covering Even’s back with his chest, despite being shorter.

  
“It’s okay, baby, I know” Fuck, no.  
“I don’t even know why the fuck I said that or – well, I _do_ , but still why would I ever—“  
He hushed him, laying short but hard kisses on the side of his face.  
Even wanted to kiss him so bad, wanted to apologize properly, wanted to say the thousand things that were flooding his mind in that moment but somehow Isak managed to quiet everything through his lips on his skin, taking away his tears and sorrow, pouring gold into his cracks.  
  
“I love you so much, Even. I said it once and I’m gonna say it again and again, till the day you will finally realize it: you are not alone” another kiss on his temple, “I don’t care how many times you’re going to push me away, I will always, always come back”. He then used his left hand to put Even’s head back onto his chest, lower this time, making it possible for the older boy to almost look at him in the eye from below, with the water threatening to get into his eyes. Isak then proceeded to cup his palm, take some water inside and pour it on his lover’s hair, slightly dampening it. It took several more tries, but after a few minutes he got it all wet and then surged towards the other side of the bathtub in order to take a bottle of shampoo and put some in his hand.  
It still came as a surprise to Even when he felt Isak’s hands massaging his scalp, relaxing him from the leftover traces of distress.  
  
Foam started to form, and Even laughed when it almost ended up in his eyes, which Isak tried to fix by pushing it all towards the top of his hair, almost making a turban.  
  
The water was starting to get cold, they hadn’t picked up their towels –which would mean making a mess and probably risking to slip on the bathroom tiles-, and _God,_  they still had to properly talk because there was just so much that they could solve only thanks to a few reassuring words, but right there, while being skin against skin --it felt enough.  
  
It would always be enough, for Even.  
He only needed Isak.

 

 

i bet you feel familiar  
i bet when you wrap yourself around me  
it’ll feel like home  
(from flatsound's poem "home")

**Author's Note:**

> All the lyrics are by flatsound (wow, can u believe that!!!), except for one tiny reference to top's 'forest'.  
> The first dialogue was taken from a dialogue in London Spy (you should all watch it, it's sad as fuck but god, is it good!!)  
> Kudos and feedback are v much appreciated.


End file.
